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Is there a program to track the moon through the constellations on a star chart? I need to track the moon on a star chart for school and I was hoping to cheat with a program. Any ideas?

altitude and azimuth on a star chart? I can find the right ascension and declination of stars on a star chart, but I'm unsure how to find the altitude and azimuth on a star chart. Lets say we're at a longitude of 30 degrees N. How does that affect finding the altitude and azimuth of a star on a 2D paper grid star constellation chart?

How to read a mercator projection star chart? How can I determine what star/constellation will appear at my zenith on a given date at a specified location using a generic Mercator projection star chart?

4) Given a star chart, identify the constellation that is located roughly at 12 hr 28 min and right ascension? and 12 deg 40 minute declination ___________. What is the name of the brightest star in this constellation? ________________

Can't make out star chart, looking for constellation Scorpio? I'm at lat. 33° long 117° or in So. California at December 18, 2009. I think it's southeast? Or wrong?

southerly positions along the ecliptic when: r was in Aries? use a present day star chart to identify these p in what constellations did the sun reach its most northerly and southerly positions along the ecliptic when: r was in Aries? use a present day star chart to identify these positions and extrapolate them back by the same amount that you have to move r back to be Aries.what is the geographical significance of this?

How do I make a star chart with a perspex cover, that I can move depending on when it is? Or are there any sites that I can download them from?? I want to be able to see what the constellations are at a particular time of the day/year etc. My grandad made one but I cant find it.

What star/constellation will appear at my zenith on june 1st at midnight? How would I answer this question using a star chart and the celestial coordinate system? My location is 40.8 degrees N; -77.9 degrees W

Is it worth paying 4400 Euros (£3200, $6000) to get Wil Tirion to do 88 constellation star charts? I also want the charts to have more detail. It's for my website.

Are there any good star charts online or for download? I know there MUST be a program that allows you to enter your space/time coordinates and it gives you a view of the night sky with constellations/stars/planets... I tried google sky but it is confusing and doesn't look that good.

GCSE Astronomy - Star Chart and Magnitudes.? hello :) I'm currently taking a course in GCSE Astronomy, and we have to complete two coursework projects. I've finished the first, and now I'm concentrating on making a detailed 'Star Chart', but it's actually more of a map than anything else. I've marked and measured each major constellation and now I have to colour code them by their magnitudes (really not sure whether they're apparent or absolute, but I might mark down both). What I really need is a website that I can use to find out the magnitudes of each individual star in each constellation; any links? P.s, Latitude: 53 Degrees North Longitude: 1 Degree West :D x Thank you!

star chart that I need? I mean I put down the longiuide and latitude and the star chart comes up, remember... NO CONSTELLATION!!!!!!!! NO CONSTELLATION, just a chart of the sky (with north, west, east, and south) with name of ONLY the stars, because there is a bright star that always lurks in the sky full year, and I think it is call sirius, but I need the star chart with the name of the stars, also please let it have longitude and Latituide so I can know my area

Is there an online database for viewing constellations? Like a programmed viewer of some sort, where you look at one supposed region of the sky so that it would be like standing outside. Or, a set of star charts according to location? Preferably photos of constellations, not drawings or the like. Thanks in advance! It would be great if the constellations were viewed from North America. Just a minor detail for positioning purposes, but it isn't a big deal really.

Are there any tips on how to recognise stars at night? I have a map of the star constellations for the Northern hemisphere but I can't find the stars I can see in the sky. Has anyone else had this problem? I can remember the pattern I saw last night but I cannot find it anywhere on my star chart! It's frustrating. Does anyone have any hints for successful star gazing?

a good star map/chart? i want to find a good star map/chart online to print out because i am interested in astronomy, it needs to be a good one too, with more than just the 12 constellations. where could i find this?

does anyone know where i can find pictures of the stars in the night sky? i just want pictures of stars in the night sky. no constellation names or star charts. pictures only. ive tried google and ask but i keep getting star charts and constellations which i dont what.

I can't get ahold of star chart. Can someone help with a few astronomy questions? When Saturn is in opposition, what time will Jupiter rise? If it is 3 am for a local observer, and the moon is roughly 10 degrees above horizon, what is the moon's phase? On a particular day, it is determined that the Sun is about 10 degrees north of Orion. What month is it? Which of the eight planets could be seen in Ursa Minor? Jupiter and Uranus will be in opposition on what day this year? What is the Moon’s phase (New, First Quarter, Full, or Third Quarter) on the day Uranus transits at 9:15 PM? What is the meteor shower that occurs about six days before Neptune reaches opposition? For an observer in Topeka, Kansas, what constellation would the sun appear to occupy on July 5? I cannot get the charts because I am in Egypt and this class is online. The Egyptian government intercepted my star charts when I had them shipped here, and sent them back to the publisher. So for what it's worth, I'd love to do the work myself, but can't at this time. Also, if anyone knows of an online star chart that I can download, please recommend it? I tried several but they won't let me pay for them with my credit card because I'm in Egypt... Something about copyrights. Thanks!

why is the Asendant in astrology said to be the star constellation rising on the eastern horizon? is this true? why then in an astrology chart does the sun rise counter clockwise? that would make the sun rising over the western horizon? confused can someone explain this? thanks!

Was this Saturn? still trying to learn how to properly read star charts? So I went out for night of stargazing with the hopes of finding some good markers like Ursa Major, Leo, Draco and Polaris. It was my hopes that by finding them and locating Venus that I would be able to find Saturn. the seeing wasn't very good as the sky was mottled with clouds and it got cold super fast so I couldn't stay out past 21:45 when it really would get dark. Hopefully if I describe what I sketched you might be able to tell me if I was on the right track. I found Venus and it was west about 40 degrees up in the sky and following ones finger towards the left about 30 degrees was a star and then going upward at a slight leftward angle for about 45 degrees was a yellowish non twinkling light. I took a photo of it and it was spheroid like venus but a little bit more oblong but couldn't get much detail because I was only using my 8mp camera on tripod with 150mm lens. It wasn't dark enough to see where it fell in rel to the constellations but do you think it was Saturn? 45° 52' N 66° 32' W is my location Thanks for all the answers I compared with some sky charts vs what I had sketched and it was saturn I was able to place Pollux, Castor and Regulus and Saturn is there.

How can I find where the constellations are at night? Charts are hard to follow.? I have a few books but I can't actually match the charts with what I see in the sky. I live in a town and there are street lights, but I can still see many stars. Can someone guide me? For example, tonight it's a gibbous moon. Isn't it Venus that is to the moon's left (eastward)? What is a constellation near Venus? If I can find that then I can probably find my way around the rest of the night sky. Thanks!

How can I find the coordinates of a star i named through the "shining Stars" website? I was bought one of those Shining stars bears for my unborn child so I went on the website and I named the bear, set up the account and named the star. I printed out a chart of the constellation that my stars is supposed to be in and it is the most unscientific thing I’ve ever see I don’t even know why they do it. It shows the constellation and a GIANT star that is supposed to be mine but you can’t tell what the actual coordinates are. Does anyone know how to find out what the coordinates are?

Science Olympiad Help Please? Best answer points by 8 pm today.? So my son has been asked to compete in the 'Reach for the Stars' event tomorrow as a last minute fill in. This really isn't his area of expertise and he is trying to be a good sport and team member by filling in. Does anyone have a link to information he should take in with him? Can you give any suggestions for a 1 page reference with constellations, star charts, definitions and the like? I know this is so last minute, and ridiculous when there are students who have studied for months for this event, I just don't want to see him punished for doing a good deed. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm cross posting to increase responses. many thanks.

I need help for these astronomy questions? 14. Generally a star assigned beta is (brighter, fainter) than one assigned to gamma. 15. The Southern Crass circles around the SCP (clockwise, counter-clockwise) 16. True or false: With bigger telescopes we will discover more constellations? 17. A time exposure photograph of circumpolar stars show that they have traced out arcs that are 1/12 of a complete circle. How many hours was the length of the exposure? 18. True or false: The star chart will show Jupiter on one of them, thus its present location? 19. Waht is the name of the most distant object visible to the naked eyes? 20. True or false: All the objects in the Messier catalog are comets? 21. Sirius lies ( south, north ) of the celestial equator? 22. True or false: In the Southern Hemisphere stars rise in the west and set in the east? 23. The star Regulus is in the constellation Leo. In late May, around midnight it is in the western part of the sky. Its altitude is about (80 degree, 30 degree)

What is more accurate in patterns & locations of objects in the sky, Star & Planet Locator or Constellation Ch Then end is Constellation Charts and what are the distortions and inaccuracies

Where can I get a picture of the star constellation at the birth time? I was looking for a birthday gift of a picture of the star constellation at the birthday of the gift recipient. Does anyone know where I can get such a picture, ideally with an astrological interpretation. I have found natal reports or birth charts but I really would like a picture of the star constellation at the birthday as well. If anyone knows where to get something like this, please let me know! no I would just like a picture (does not actually have to be taken by a camera, it can be computer generated) of the stars and constellations visible the night the gift recipient was born. Any ideas where to find this!?

Ancient Astronomy - where on the Web can I find out the names,mythology,and skymaps of ancient Egypt? I'm looking for information on Ancient Astronomy. Specifically, the names of stars, constellations, & planets, the folklore/mythology associated with them, and any maps/charts of the sky as it would have appeared to the ancient Egyptians (circa 2600 B.C.), the Babylonians/Assyrians, the Chinese, and the astronomers of ancient India. Websites where this information could be found would be especially useful. Thank You.

Need an Astronomy book? I'm looking to get an Astronomy book for a casual astronomer but i want more than just a book that tells me where the stars are. I would like to find a book that tells of the mythology of the stars and constellations. Preferably with easy to read star charts.

What kind of chart should I use for astronomical observations? I have a book, Martin Rees is the editor (http://us.dk.com/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780756636708,00.html# ) but it deals with lots of things. It has a chart at the end of the book pretty detailed but is made from paper not plastic and I can see it already deteriorated due to dew and moisture. In Romania (where I live) there is no planisphere on the market. I would like a plastic planisphere which includes clusters, nebulae, double stars not only stars and constellations. I can't find it. Not even on the internet. I will try to print some screen-shots from Stellarium software ut is a little bit redundant.

Programs Like Google Sky - are they a Gift or a curse? Bought a new phone, found an app called Google Sky. Wow. Google sky is your basic star chart with one overwhelming twist. Its in the phone and interfaces with the gps and monition detector, so when the phone is aimed skyward the chart for that portion of the star chart is displayed. This display consist of all manner of useful information, such as a stars name, constellation boundary, azimuth, declination. With a few clicks and an internet connection the entire body of knowledge is available. Using this programing is the apex of backyard star gazing and its free! In my early teens I viewed my first sky chart. (my father bought a spotting scope.) I was amazed that the Big Dipper was the saddle of the Great Bear I was hooked. I spent 40 plus years gathering information about the sky, learning stars names, distances, visible time frames and the like and now this program puts my knowledge to shame, a ten year old can hold the sky in his hands without even knowing so much as which way north is. I'm torn is this is a good thing or not? It's so awesome that anyone interested in the stars has such a tool at their disposal, but knowledge that is easily gained is also easy forgotten. Your thoughts

How can I make start charts? I want to know how to chart the stars and planets (stars will suffice) like the ancient civilizations did. Anyone have some pointers or websites they could send me to? I've tried some searches on google but normally it just sends me to a website where i have to print out a flimsy paper constellation finder. Which is not what I am looking for!

need information about The Stars in Scorpius!? I need the number and names of each star that the scorpius constellation has The distance of each in light years the size of each star the colour of each star the luminosity of each star the class of each star and the temperature of each star... I tried to find a star chart/table, but I was confused because instead of names like Antares for example, it had symbols and superscript numbers that I do not understand. Oh yes, and I don't need to know about "messier" objects... Thank you everyone! ^^

How can I convince my friend that the Pleiades constellation IS NOT the Little Dipper? I've tried numerous star charts, didn't work. I'm becoming very angry at him because of this!!!!

A question for everyone who believes in astrology? Would it shake your "faith" in astrology to know that the time tables for delineating zodiacs is off by one month? As you know, our zodiacs reflect what constellation the sun was in when we were born...however, the earth has a 26,000 year wobble in its axis and, because of this, the current zodiac calendar is off by a full month from when it was first created. That is not question, it is a fact, check your star chart. How can you still believe in this, when the dates don't match up? How can you possibly explain this?

What do you think? I am currently take a Public Speaking course to meet one of the requirements for my degree in Education and have to do a speech on teaching the class something. I was thinking maybe teaching them about using star charts and hand measurements to locate constellations and also to figure out how to tell what directions N, S, E, and W are from their star gazing location. Does this sound like a good idea or can someone think of another idea that would be good since I am very nervous about this as it will be my first speech assignment and I hate talking in front of people. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks:)

Where To Learn About Astronomy??? Alrgiht, i love astronomy and want to get started i really want to go out and look at deep space objects and do calculations but i am just an amature. Everyone says i need to learn the basics but heres my question. What are the basics? And where can i learn them? Not just "google the constellations" i have been trying to learn about the constellations but it is just stupid and is getting me nowhere. I use a star chart and the internet but that doesn't help. And my school doesn't ahve an astronomy club and the nearest one is miles and miles away. And i'm just a freshman in highschool and cannot do any summer programs or college programs. So again. What are the basics of astronomy that i need to learn? And where can i learn them. Except i already am into the theoretical stuff and actually understand some of the concepts, but i want to track back.

Help with this science book? Yesterday I was looking at my book on space when I flip-ed to the back. On the back few pages they had star charts. For if you wanted to look at the sky and see the constellations. However i noticed that the seasons where reversed. For winter they had June and July. For summer they had December and February. Why is that? Ps I hope this makes sense to you.

21/12 - 2012 What is conceivable in relation to this date? Ok - we all know that the Mayans have a calender that ends on this date, but what is the relevance of this date in a world as we know it today? for instance, the mayans build a temple that was supposedly meant to represent the alignment of the galactic centre of the universe which happens only ever so often. All this hype which suggests that the world is going to end on that end calender date doesn't make sense to me on a human type awareness. Is it not more conceivable that the mayans witnessed something that was so unseen that they decided to make it part of their culture? the mayans worked in a way that if you were born on a certain day then you would do the job for that day every day of your life i believe that they had people who were born and were compelled to study the stars, for this reason i think they discovered something that would change the way we look at the stars. now if the temple was build to signify the alignment of the galactic centre then it might be plausible to believe that the next galactic alignment occurs on the 21/12 - 2012 as when these are put into a star chart the co-ordinates point to sagitta, the arrow shot by Sagittarius as we know it. now given that the mayans were an old culture we can expect a little give or take as they did not have the scientific equipment we do. but just to let you know, sagitta is close to the galactic centre, we all know this because Sagittarius is the youngest constellation that we have recorded. so what i am basically looking to know is, why are we so fascinated with the armageddon complex and i'm also looking to know your thoughts on all this. i don't know if i'm the first one to make the connection to these dates and co-ordinates but hopefully somebody can back up my information. thanks. Just in case some of you are unsure, i don't claim to be an expert at this mayan culture thing. but everything i have written is something i have read over the years. i do not watch stupid youtube movies and i certainly know that the calander doesn't end for good and that it does roll over. like i said, i just want to know your idea's of the relavence to what we do know about it in this modern day. the Mayan's were a smart society dispite their mis-led idea's about their gods. so all those people out there on a smart power trip don't answer if your going to be cheeky. i don't like cheecky people. common decancy only. thanks.

I have the Orion SkyQuest Xt 10 & Im having problems finding stuff...I dont know where to look, Please Help!!? It just makes me a little mad because I dont know where to look & when I do find something I dont know what im looking at. I heard those star charts were hard to learn. Please help me, whats the best way to learn the night sky. I want to know where to look & what im looking at. Where is the andromeda galaxy right now? I live in South Carolina, should I look east, west, north or south. I dont know the constellations so telling me which one it is in want help me. What do I need to do?? Something EASY & fast

Astrology in the Bible? (Joaquin)- "astrology was a part of the lives of just about everyone on the planet & it still is. Everyone worshipped the sun, moon, stars & constellations, even the 2 billion Christians now worship astrology eveytime they read the 4 Gospels. When Matthew, Mark, Luke & John wrote the Gospels, they actually drew out a astrological chart of the zodiac using the life of Jesus as their canvas to draw on...When Jesus said he was the light that gives life to all things, they were writing about the literal sun that gives light & life to all things (the Sun/the Son). When Jesus turned water into wine, the water bearer (Aquarius). When Jesus fed the multitude with 2 fish, (Pisces). When Jesus was crowned King, (Leo). When Jesus told his disciples to not eat fish unless it has scales, crab (Cancer). "When Jesus met the two sons of Zebedee/the sons of thunder, (Gemini). When Jesus was betrayed by Judas, (Scorpio). Jesus being portrayed as the lamb, (Capricorn). When Jesus was put on trial, the scales of justice (Libra). The ram being the burnt offering instead of the lamb, (Aries). Jesus' virgin mother Mary, (Virgo). When Jesus took the keys of hell & death from Satan (half man/half beast), (Sagittarius). The ox or bull (Taurus) has always been the symbol of Earth dating back 9500 B.C. with the Minoans (some belive to be Atlantis). Even with Natives to this day with the worship of Gaya. So for Christians who don't belive in astrology, ask yourself what were your founding fathers really trying to teach you?" Listen, I am not the author of this, my friend Joaquin is. Hence, the ( ) and " ". I simply wanted your views on it.

Help with Astronomy Homework? Recall from the lab we did that the position of objects seen in the sky changes slowly night by night. That's what it means on your star charts on the top axis when it lists the date. It is indicating what part of the sky is due south at 8pm on a given date. If you look at the sky at the same time every night, you will slowly see constellations drift out of view toward the west and come into view from the east. One complete cycle takes 365 days. If Orion is directly south, on the meridian, at 8pm, then exactly one year later, it will again be in the same place at the same time. This "one complete cycle" is 24 hours of right ascension, and it is also 360 degrees. Therefore, how much does the sky change in one single day? First give your answer in hours of right ascension. It will be a fraction of an hour, so convert it to minutes. Then give your answer in degrees. This calculation involves simple arithmetic and is easier than you think. Ignore all the you and stuff, its a copy-paste

Please help with a science question!!!I really need you help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THx!? With adult family members, go outside on a clear, dark night. Determine which way is south. Using the star charts in Appendix E, look for the constellation Orion, which is visible in the evening during winter and spring. Find the stars Betelgeuse and Rigel in Orion and explain to your family why they are different colors. Haha I have family membs thank you very much! Can you please just elaborate on it like answer the question? Answer this: Find the stars Betelgeuse and Rigel in Orion and explain to your family why they are different colors? THx!

Please help! Very urgent!? It's a class assignment of Physics. The topic is about "constellations". Our teacher asked us to fill up the chart like given below: Name of constillation     Indian Name       No of stars in the constellation   Shape If you dont know what is a constellation check: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constellation Plz fill up the chart! At least give 8 constellations. I have searched on google but i cant find anything of the sort.:( 10 points shall be awarded for best answer! Thanks very very much.

Can anyone refer me to a chart or book on simplified planetary positions, like those given by H.A. Rey ...? H. A. Ray wrote a book entitled "The Stars: A New Way To See Them," which included a convenient table showing what constellation each visible planet could be seen in, at about the first of every month, across a number of years. But his planetary table in that book ends with the year 2006, and I wish I had a continuation. And everything I've found on the internet is either more complicated than I'd like to have ... like telling how to calculate the coordinates myself ... or is otherwise inconvenient ... like maybe giving a method for finding the precise location of a given planet at a given time, or is inconvenient in some other way, for the simple stargazer. Does anyone know of a table that's easy to read and essentially just a continuation of H. A. Ray's?

Please help with three questions! Please I really need to finish this and i have no clue! Help is appreciated!? 1) How do scientists know that dark matter exists? 2) What evidence has led scientists to predict that the universe will continue to expand forever? 3) Plan an evening of stargazing with adult family members. Choose a dark, clear night. Use binoculars if available and the star charts in Appendix E to locate the Milky Way and some interesting stars that you have learned about. Explain to your family what you know about the Milky Way and each constellation that you observe. Help is very much appreciated and for the third question I have no clue what they want please help!

What planets can I see in my sky and how can I locate it? As you have know in my last posts, I have recently bought a telescope with a book. It helped me locate constellations and all the stars with monthly sky charts. The only thing is I dont know where the planets are and if I can see them. I live in Connecticut, right on the New York border line. I live in a suburban area with some light pollution. Please tell me what constellations are near them and is it in the south, north, etc. I would love to see a planet like Venus or Jupiter. Thanks.

Do you know how to find Orion in the night sky? Right now 'GLOBE at Night' is conducting a sky quality survey of the sky. They are looking for people who will go outside between now and next Saturday night, one hour after sun set, find Orion, count the stars, then log what they observed on the website. Their web addres is: http://www.globe.gov/GaN/ They ask people in the Northern Hemisphere to find Orion and count the stars in the constellation - the web site has a chart to help find Orion and figure out the sky quality in your area. In 2007 they had 8490 participants, in 2008 they had 6838 participants. 2009 is the International Year of the Astronomer and we're trying to get people outside and looking up at the stars. Could you help? Could you do this in the next week? Let's see if we can get even bigger numbers of participants this year! Southern Hemisphere uses a different constellation, the web site will direct you to which one to use for counting stars down under.

My parents think astronomy is evil? Help Please!? Okay for some reason my parents are freaking out that one of my hobbies is astronomy, particularly stargazing. I used to memorize the constellations of the sky and sky charts and now I know basically every single bright star in the night sky...I love astronomy and looking at the night sky is my favourite activity. Okay but for some reason my parents are freaking out on me saying how astronomy is cursing our family. They made me destroy all the astronomy books at home, and they freak out when my laptop wallpaper was an astronomy picture! Like wtf it's not like astronomy = porn. They think these stuff are like witchcraft and I told them, "no. It's not astrology, it's science. You believe in curses and stuff and that is witchcraft!" But it's no use what should I do? I can't afford to have my biggest hobby taken away from me. I'm so depressed what should I do? Right now I'm hiding all my astronomy stuff from my parents but I am not giving up on this. Please offer advice. Thanks!

Jesus born in June? ? These astronomers believe it may be so. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christ... Would you celebrate Christmas in June if it were proved that Jesus was born on June 17th? In case you can't click on the link the article states that astronomers have calculated that Christmas should be in June, by charting the appearance of the 'Christmas star' which the Bible says led the three Wise Men to Jesus. Australian astronomer Dave Reneke used complex computer software to chart the exact positions of all celestial bodies and map the night sky as it would have appeared over the Holy Land more than 2,000 years ago. It revealed a spectacular astronomical event around the time of Jesus's birth. Mr Reneke says the wise men probably interpreted it as the sign they had been waiting for, and they followed the 'star' to Christ's birthplace in a stable in Bethlehem, as described in the Bible. Generally accepted research has placed the nativity to somewhere between 3BC and 1AD. Using the St Matthew's Gospel as a reference point, Mr Reneke pinpointed the planetary conjunction, which appeared in the constellation of Leo, to the exact date of June 17 in 2BC.

Why Tropical Astrology is Wrong? each day i learn more about vedic and sidereal astrology, yet they seem to get shot down by this one statement by tropical astrologers: it goes by the lining of the tropics of cancer and capricorn. ok i think that this concerns believers of sidereal and assures tropic believers that they are following the right thing all becuase we dont really understand what this means. what these ppl who support tropical zodiac are saying is that when the sun hits the tropic of cancer, its becuase it is in the cancer constellation, or at least they admit that it isnt now but it was back then, and besides the zodiac signs dont acctually go by stars in space they go by the sun relative to earth cuz we are earthlings. HERE are the reasons why this is dumb as dirt 1. the tropics shift. its true, for varius reason such as plate techtonics, but also the earths uneven rotation, and preccision of the equinox not only affects us with space but hello, us with our star too. but EVEN if you dont by any of that still, believe this. when the egyptians were around they had there own form of zodiac. evidence pointed to the belief that their chart started with taurus, and turns out if you calculate it out the first sign in there chart if done correctly would have started with taurus, therefore if we are respecting history, the tropic of cancer would actually be the tropic of libra. 2. the zodiac signs, no matter what point in history you look at, have always been sidereal. so once agian, we are supposed to respect history, yet we ignore almost everything about it now?? we ignore the most important part the stars. 3. this one is the funniest to me. these astrologers seriously try to tell ppl like you and me that none of those two points i just told you matter, and that it goes by the seasons. fine, but hello the seasons have changed too?? ever noticed that the first day of spring isnt on the same day every year? ever heard of groundhog day? NOT only does the earth rotate on an axis, NOT only does the sun itself spin and wobble a little, BUT the precesion of the equinoxes again affects seasons greatly. i believe in global warming, trust me. but prescession of the equinoxes has played a part as well. 4. finally, i know this has been alot of facts and mumbojumbo, but lets consider some simple TRUTHS. think about whos telling you your zodiac signs didnt change. HELLO, WAKE UP its the ppl publishing your horoscopes, its the supposed psychics who can NEVER ever admit that they have been feeding you incorrect BS! zodiac signs used to give very direct info in readings, noticing how they are getting vaguer and vaguer anyone??? now i know some ppl dont wanna take this in becuase hey, you like being a pisces. but try to have an open mind and give it a chance. think of it this way... why do you think a person who thinks they are a gemini refuses to believe they are a taurus? TAURUS R STUBBORN AND DONT LIKE CHANGE!! why doesnt a should be cancer not wanna admit they arent a leo. THE CRAB LOVES SELF ASSURANCE, SO BEING TOLD THEY DONT HAVE THE HEART OF A LION ISNT GONNA GO OVER TO WELL. finally, and i have verified this with many EXTREMELY RELIABLE SOURCES SUCH AS NASA, the signs shifted a lil more in 1990. so me, supposedly going from a gemini to a taurus, i thot where did my creativity and musical skills and outgoing yet guilty consience go?? turns out im a pisces aires cusp, and when i read the description i was shocked at the accuracy. heres the new chart, sorry to seem so loud and obtrussive with this whole thing, the pisces side of me feels guilty about it, but it also gives me the love of it, and my aires gets upset that ppl give it a bad name by blindly following stupid, outdated, ignorant, and frankly cheating information by stupid wanna be psychics trying to make a buc. wake up people, your being cheated by these fake charts!! children like me born after 1990 follow this chart: AQUARIUS March 26 - April 18 PISCES April 19 - May 26 ARIES May 27 - June 20 TAURUS June 21 - July27 GEMINI July 28 - August 27 CANCER August 28 - September 17 LEO September 18 - October 24 VIRGO October 25 - December 9 LIBRA December 10 - January 1 SCORPIO January 2 - January 8 OPHIUCHUS January 9 - Janury 26 SAGITTARIUS January 27 - February 27 CAPRICORN February 28 - March 25 good luck everyone =)) please, always have an open mind =) Nice try there top contributor, and i love how you are absolutley ignoring the fact that the tropics of capricorn and cancer were named after the fact that when the sun hit them marking summer and winter, they were in those constellations. but thank you for reiterating my point, even if you didnt meen to. your absolutely right that they line up perfectly, and it is astonishing and adds wonder and validity, but where do u get off insulting my intelligence when you ignore the fact that your ancestors, and whos history your supposedly trying to respect, named those tropics when the sun hit marking the season BECUASE OF THE CONSTELLATIONS THEY WERE IN!!!! SO INSTEAD OF INSULTING MY INTELLIGENCE, WHY DONT YOU STOP CHEATING PEOPLE WITH BS AND ADMIT YOUVE BEEN FEEDING PPL WRONG INFORMATION FOR YEARS let me try and make this simple for you . / top contributer, when the sun hits the tropic of cancer marking the summer soltice, your absolutley right, the sun is on the tropic of cancer. but you cant ignore the constellations and say that that person is a cancer! becuase the tropic of cancer was named for the fact that when the sun hit it, it was in the constellation of the crab! its no longer in that constellation!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY IGNORE THE STARS??? LOOK UP THE DEFINITION OF ASTRONOMY AND YOULL SEE THAT IT GAVE BIRTH TO ASTROLOGY!!! ASTROLOGY IS A BELIEF BASED ON ASTRONOMY, NOT GIVING FALSE NAMES TO POINTS ON THE EARTH. im not arguing with you that they line up with the earth and the sun, i get that. im saying your lining them up with the wrong sign!! with the astrology your tellin me right now, we could randomly put the signs together, and bam theres a zodiac chart. the contsellations not only gave names, they gave traits as well. and yes earth is starting point, and we look at how it relates to the sun, but your completely ignoring the third part for your own convienence, its what constelation the sun is in at that moment as well. and funny you should talk about coincidences. is it not a coincidence that the order of the signs, there names, and traits all come from the constellations?? im not arguing with you that they line up with the earth and the sun, i get that. im saying your lining them up with the wrong sign!! with the astrology your tellin me right now, we could randomly put the signs together, line them up, and bam theres a zodiac chart. the contsellations not only gave names, they gave traits as well. and yes earth is starting point, and we look at how it relates to the sun, but your completely ignoring the third part for your own convienence, its what constelation the sun is in at that moment as well. and funny you should talk about coincidences. is it not a coincidence that the order of the signs, there names, and traits all come from the constellations?? That One guy- i understand u questioning my credibility, however you have to take the credibility of tropical astrologers into effect as well. are the ppl who are selling u the false information credibile? im pretty sure they will be biased

Gemini is not in June and retrograde is not retrograde but people still believe in astrology, why ? Due to the wobble in the earth's rotation the sun does not even come up in the same constellations at the same time of the year that it did back when they made astrology up. The sun comes up in Gemini in July now, instead of June. But every astrology chart out there has Gemini in June. Retrograde ? Mercury's orbit is elliptical, and the Earth orbits faster than Mercury so at certain times of the year there is an optical illusion which makes it look like Mars has changed directions, thus the term retrograde. It's physically impossible for a planet to just stop change directions for a few week and then stop AGAIN and go back the same direction it was going over and over again. Impossible !!!! So when Science comes along and disproves a tenet of Astrology people just go Hmmm, ok and just go right on believing in What is up with that ? And for what it's worth, when they came up with astrology, they belived the earth was flat and that all the moons, stars, and planets in the universe rotated around the Earth, AND when someone came along and proved them wrong, they killed him. That was Galileo.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. I am Aries, I must say I do resemble some of these remarks. I'm always bumping my head & I can relate to Hard Headed Women by Cat Stevens and I won't bring a knife to a gun fight :) ENJOY!

What is your horoscope sign...? Do any of these characteristics apply to you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's ******** system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. I am a Leo. I love automated opening doors and nothing would give me more pleasure than to have Clappers applaud me when I enter a room. I must admit I am an attention seeking person. ENJOY!

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)? I’m a Sagittarius!! Damn fucking TRUE! Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ass. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ass. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your ass and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign...? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

Moonlight Bells--the Short Story version--do you like it? The Story of Moonlight Bells, Can Man Fool Nature? A Short Story By Warren Domke With Cultural Assistance from Yang Fan, Shenyang, China Long ago, under a dynasty few remember, and which history barely records, there was a village in a valley surrounded by mountains. On a hillside overlooking the village there was a temple, whose priests greeted each evening with the saying of prayers and the ringing of temple bells. On another hillside nearer the town stood a small house, whose windows opened to the heavens. This was the home of the village’s astrologer and seer. He dwelt alone in the house, his gaze and attention directed to the heavens. Nobody knew exactly when Xian Zhi acquired his ability to read the stars and foretell the future, but it must have been many years before he came to the village in the valley to become its Seer and fortuneteller. He lived in a house on a hill overlooking the community of several thousand souls, and he lived alone—for it was his lot to live only in the company of the stars and sky. His house was filled with charts and tables to help him track the movement of the constellations and other heavenly bodies. While still a boy he learned of his gift and was apprenticed to an old seer who taught him to trace the paths the stars and planets took through the heavens and to learn how the interaction of these bodies affected the lives of mortals. He learned quickly and soon became wise and all-seeing. The people of the village learned to come to him for advice and to help them name their babies. He chose names that help assure good fortune in their lives ahead—it is even today the tradition of these valley people. Many evenings he would climb the neighboring hills and mountains, to better observe the heavenly bodies whose movements predicted future and fortunes. Xian Zhi knew his trade well, and the village prospered as a result of his skills. But sometimes he wished he knew the company and love of a woman. On a still night he could hear the temple bells in the distance, and he could see the activities of the men, women and children of the village. It was this way for many years, and Xian Zhi was much beloved of the people of the valley town. Each year the rice harvest was plentiful, and the townspeople traded for meats and poultry and the other items they wished to have—cloth, tools and the many things the village needed. She was born in the spring, a fortunate baby. Her father was a seller of jade and other precious items, whose business prospered as the village enjoyed the bounty of its crops. She was a lovely baby, delicately formed and alert. The girl was born in the Year of the Serpent under a near full moon. A beautiful infant, but her parents frowned at her gender and beauty; for her father had wanted a boy, and her mother was equally disappointed at her failure to produce a son for her husband. But still the mother and father carried the newborn child to the home of the Seer so that she might be properly named. It was early evening and the temple bells sang their distant song. The mother and father entered his home and presented the baby to him. “Who is this?” he whispered at her tiny face. “That is for you to tell us,” said the mother. “Choose a name that will bring her and us good fortune, and you will be amply rewarded.” Xian Zhi gazed upon the baby girl and consulted his charts and tables before choosing as her name “Yue Ling,” which means “Moonlight Bells.” Wistfully he gazed at her. She had captured his heart. But he knew he must keep this love a secret. The parents agreed to the name and paid him in gold. He put the money in a small chest he kept in his room. When the family had gone Xian Zhi sighed heavily. Again he felt the loneliness of his life and the solitude of his existence. That night he walked up the road toward the mountain pass above the valley and took a trail to a nearby mountaintop. He vowed to be true to his heart and true to his calling, and to keep his love a secret. He prayed to the gods for guidance and help, and they seemed to understand. “I ask for the ability to make time stand still for me and to speed it up for her,” he prayed. “I pray for a meeting time and place.” If the gods had an answer for him they did not share it. Time passed slowly, and yet in some ways quickly, for such is the way of China, where opposites often travel together. Yin and yang. The gods understood this ancient principle of life. And Xian Zhi was blessed in every way, as was his village. In the years ahead the village prospered with plenty of rice and traded for duck and chicken and other meats. The people were happy. They wore fine clothes and built their fine houses. Sometimes Xian Zhi, the Seer, would walk down the street as people greeted him happily. They clearly appreciated his wisdom and the good fortune he continued to bring the village and its people. For now they Sometimes Xian Zhi, the Seer, would walk down the street as people greeted him happily. They clearly appreciated his wisdom and the good fortune he continued to bring the village and its people. For now they also venerated him for his growing age as well as for his wisdom and the clarity of his visions for the future. Yue Ling grew to girlhood, laughing and playing, now loved by her parents. The old man would see her and smile. She still owned his heart. As a young girl she had long dark hair and deep brown eyes and a quick smile and an easy musical laugh that reminded Xian Zhi of the bells she was named after. Seasons came and left. He aged and so did she. Now a very old man, now still a young woman, and love began to grow between them. She would sometimes visit him at the house on the hill and he would tell her of the stars and planets and the constellations that ruled the heavens and also ruled the fortunes of mortal humans. Seasons came and left. He aged and so did she. Now a very old man, now still a young woman, and love began to grow between them. She would sometimes visit him at the house on the hill and he would tell her of the stars and planets and the constellations that ruled the heavens and also ruled the fortunes of mortal humans. She listened only as one who was fascinated could. And she began to develop her own gifts of prophecy. She also began to love the heart and soul of Xian Zhi. “This is the cruelest of jokes,” she told Xian Zhi. “You are my true love and you are older than my parents. Is there no mercy in the heavens that we cannot find a better way?” He could not but agree. “I trust the gods,” he told her. “They have never betrayed me and I have trusted them all my life. This love could not be if we had no way to continue it.” In her presence he too felt renewed and uplifted. His body became as that of a much younger man, and he grew in his love for her, as she grew in her love for him. It was spring, and many flowers bloomed along the streets and roads of the village in the valley. It is illogical, he reasoned. Yue Ling has many years to live, he only a decade or perhaps two. They could not love each other, because he must leave before their love could be fulfilled. But together they began to devise a plan to be together for a lifetime. If they were to die together they could come back together and their love could grow. They could be babies together, then children, and then young people, and adults, an eventually an aged couple who would grow old together. And they would be together in this life and the next. It seemed the perfect plan. Xian Zhi remembered the mountain pass and a high cliff that plunged to a rocky riverbed below. The pair of them considered their options and their desires. “It is not fair to you,” he argued. “You are hardly more than a child.” “If the gods did not approve,” Yue Ling argued. “Would they reveal such a perfect plan to us?” So one starry moonless night they made their pact. They left the village and walked up the winding road to the mountain pass. They reached the cliff, and kissed for a long time before making the fateful leap—holding hands. “It won’t hurt much and not for long,” he whispered in her beautiful and delicate ear. “I know,” she whispered back before they jumped. And so Xian Zhi, the Seer, and his beloved Moonlight Bells died together and went on to join the gods in heaven. But fate was to prove unkind. Yue Ling was reborn, but it was in a mountain village many days travel from the village in the valley. There were no familiar faces and no Xian Zhi for her to see and love. She wept when she realized this. The Seer, meanwhile, was reborn in the valley—fifty years after the rebirth of his beloved Yue Ling. The village had changed. The people he had known were now gone. Stories of the leap of the lovers were told, but many believed them mere legend. And his Moonlight Bells was nowhere to be found. It was a cruel fate. The Seer was reborn with his gifts of prophecy and his visions of good fortune and the future. It is not difficult for such a man to find a role in a society so dependent on luck and good fortune. He soon completed an apprenticeship and again lived in a home on a hill above a village, and told the fortunes of the people, and was again loved. And again prosperity fell on the people whose lives he guided. But Moonlight Bells was now an old woman. Frail, in the twilight of her years, but the sparkle in her eye remained. Something of the lovely girl he loved refused to fade away, and would not die. Love is powerful. If there is a thread to be found, the lovers will find it. If there is a tiny light in a corner they will see it. Love would not be denied. They will see each other—secretly love each other. The families they knew before are now long gone, replaced by new families. It is a new world. But now their ages are the opposite of what they were: She is old and he is young. A tiny flame remains and flickers and refuses to die. They are no longer Xian Zhi and Yue Ling. But their souls go on through eternity, still the Seer and still Moonlight Bells. He cannot give her up and she refuses to be parted from him. The gods will have their last laugh. They always do. Ernie, this type of story isn't for everyone. It's rather like mythology, and it has a certain audience. Clearly you are not part of that audience. The appeal of this story is the suggeston that live can bridge time and ages. It also suggests that we can be given another chance at life through reincarnation. I don't necessarily believe these things. If you read Shakespeare you may have to assume ghosts are real or that people can predict the future. If you read Homer you may have to accept the notion that multiple gods guide our lives and destinies. This is just for the purpose of getting through the story and understanding what it's about. We never have to accept these premises as guides to our own lives. The Euro-centered concept of time as linear would probably be an obstacle to many readers of a story like "Midnight Bells" which asks us to see time as circular and to accept predestination and reincarnation. Thank you for reading this and for your feedback. Ernie, this type of story isn't for everyone. It's rather like mythology, and it has a certain audience. Clearly you are not part of that audience. The appeal of this story is the suggeston that love can bridge time and ages. It also suggests that we can be given another chance at life through reincarnation. I don't necessarily believe these things. If you read Shakespeare you may have to assume ghosts are real or that people can predict the future. If you read Homer you may have to accept the notion that multiple gods guide our lives and destinies. This is just for the purpose of getting through the story and understanding what it's about. We never have to accept these premises as guides to our own lives. The Euro-centered concept of time as linear would probably be an obstacle to many readers of a story like "Midnight Bells" which asks us to see time as circular and to accept predestination and reincarnation. Thank you for reading this and for your feedback. For Aspen Dreamer--the double reply to Ernie was due to a typo that I tried to correct and instead got a double entry. This short story is a work in progress. The original was a nice story but too short to do much with. I expanded it and am still looking at wording and details. This could be published, but I realize it will need some fine tuning before that happens. One thing I like about the revised version is that I was able to inject a little more optimism in the ending, while keeping the ironic twist. It isn't finished yet. I am looking for feedback and I do appreciate yours.

Compatible Signs-Love Matches.? ARIES March 21-April 19 Aries in Love: You will not tolerate being bossed around by your mate. You hate have your space infringed upon and you can't stand it if your mate shows up late for a date. You like to be asked for advice and flattery always makes you feel important. You will never slow down and wait for your lover. It's keep up or get left behind. You match up to your sign and the remaining eleven signs as follows. ARIES & ARIES: Temper tantrums are quite likely to erupt into major wars with this combination. Remember only one party can win and neither one will accept defeat. Passionate but problems. ARIES & TAURUS: The Bull has trouble with your free spirited attitude. With compromise it can work. A little bit dull for you at times however it can be a stabilizing experience for you. ARIES & GEMINI: Wonderful alliance. This is an exciting, sexual encounter that can in fact last. Both you and Gemini are so spontaneous and full of life that there is no time for either of you to become bored. ARIES & CANCER: The Crab is far too sensitive and slow for your speedy and hot tempered nature. You will have difficulty listening to the Crabs nagging and negativity. This is really a poor match up right from day one. Aries & LEO: This is a most exhilarating combination. You both share the same likes and dislikes. You are both always on the go, craving excitement, love and fun. This is truly a link made in heaven. ARIES & VIRGO: Your impulsiveness is just too much for the Virgoan. Virgo's practical, critical nature will drive you away rapidly. This is a relationship better left alone. ARIES & LIBRA: Although opposites attract, the Scales are just a little too lazy to keep up with you. You on the other hand lack the sophistication required to keep a Libran happy. ARIES & SCORPIO : You are both ruled by the catalyst Mars that makes this union hot and heavy. The possessive Scorpio will, however, does clash with your free spirited nature. ARIES & SAGITTARIUS: This can be a good and a lasting relationship. You are both fun-loving and quite oblivious to the faults that might drive most people crazy. This is an exciting and adventurous union. ARIES & CAPRICORN: Finances are the biggest detriment in this connection. You can spend it as fast as the hard working Goat can make it that drives the frugal Capricorn insane. ARIES & AQUARIUS: This is not a bad connection. You are both inquisitive, however at times you may find it difficult to contemplate what the Water-bearer will do next. ARIES & PISCES: Sexually this is not a bad alliance, but your temperaments are just so different that it does put a strain on the relationship. You could never handle the Fishes emotional whims for any length of time. TAURUS April 20-May 20 Taurus in Love: Your lover must approach you properly in order to win your heart. You love good cooking and fine wine. The way to your heart is definitely through your stomach. You are turned off by individuals who exaggerate or color the truth. You like to be admired and will respond if your lover is encouraging. Your connection to someone born under the same sign as yourself or one of the remaining eleven signs is as follows. TAURUS & ARIES: This union is better as a hot passionate affair. Your possessiveness will cramp the Aries free-loving nature. TAURUS & TAURUS: Not bad sexually, however this union is somewhat dull in other areas of life. You will have a tendency to grow fat together. Visualize two couch potatoes eating in front of the television. TAURUS & GEMINI: Gemini's lack of respect for possessions and stability will drive you up a wall. You aren't spontaneous enough for the versatile Twin. Not really a likely combination. TAURUS & CANCER: Good partnership. You will enhance one another. You offer the Crab the necessary security and in return you receive the affection and loyalty you desire. TAURUS & LEO: This is not only an unlikely connection but one that is built on deception. If your financial position is good you will attract the Lion however, this partner will want the freedom to roam. TAURUS & VIRGO: Problems usually arise in the bedroom, however in all other areas you and your Virgoan will do remarkably well. You are both practical and hard working. TAURUS & LIBRA: Compromise is necessity if you want this union to work. Your Libran mate will be far too indecisive for you and you lack the sophistication that the Scales demand in a partner. TAURUS & SCORPIO: Polarity attraction, sexually dynamic, however you are both fixed signs that can cause difficulties. Your stubbornness and the Scorpions jealousy will result in a no win situation. TAURUS & SAGITTARIUS: This combo is better left as friends. The archer likes to gamble, free-spirited and taking each day as it comes. You on the other hand could never live without routine and would frown up the Sagittarians irresponsibility. TAURUS & CAPRICORN: This is not a bad alliance as you both have the same interests where money, possessions and security are concerned. The biggest drawback is the old 'all work and no play' syndrome. TAURUS & AQUARIUS: You are both fixed signs with a totally different concept of life. The water-bearer is too much of a loner and you always want to own or possess your partner. TAURUS & PISCES: This combination can work, however the Fish lack practicality which can be a deterrent for you. On the other hand your Pisces mate may leave if you become too domineering GEMINI May 21-June 20 Gemini in Love: You can play a heartless game using your keen intellect, charm and sex appeal to your advantage. You can easily persuade any sign to have a passionate affair with you, however a long term relationship is another story. You aren't likely to stay in any union that restricts, confines or holds you back in any way. You match up as follows to your own sign and the remaining eleven signs. GEMINI & ARIES: This is one of your best matches. You both have a high energy, a thirst for adventure and spontaneity. Passionate, sudden and compelling this union can last. GEMINI & TAURUS: This is not a good connection for the Bull. Your lack of routine upsets this steady sign. You find Taureans far too dull for your liking and will tend to wander early into the relationship. GEMINI & GEMINI: You can have some real good times but you seldom stay together unless you meet in later years. There is a lack of direction that usually prevails, however you can have some wonderful times together. GEMINI & CANCER: The Moon child is far too moody and sensitive for your fickle ways. You are not a homebody like the Crab. You have totally different interests then a Cancer. GEMINI & LEO : This is not a bad connection. You both complement one another. The generous Lion will bend to whatever you want as long as you let your flattering silver-tongue lead the way. GEMINI & VIRGO: This is not the best union, the practical Virgo views you as being disorganized and frivolous. You on the other hand don't think that the Virgoan knows how to have a good time. GEMINI & LIBRA: Magnetic union, however not long lasting. The Scales find it difficult to live in the turmoil and melodrama that you thrive on. This relationship is usually short, hot and sweet. GEMINI & SCORPIO: Scorpio's jealous tendencies are impossible for you to handle. You flirtatious ways and little white lies will drive the Scorpion as far away as possible. GEMINI & SAGITTARIUS : This union can work, however you both love to travel therefore you may not spend much time together. You both tend to leave your fate to luck which can make this a risky relationship. GEMINI & CAPRICORN: Not great. The goat is too ambitious and organized for you. You have totally different priorities in love and in life. GEMINI & AQUARIUS : Super alliance, you are both original and like variety. This makes for a fun loving couple. This is not always a lasting union but it is certainly worth pursuing. GEMINI & PISCES : Insecurity usually ruins this relationship. This can be an extremely emotional union. Unique, destructive, yet passionate and lustful resulting in hurt and anxiety. CANCER June 21-July 22 Cancer in Love: Your sensitive nature can be difficult to deal with. You are often misunderstood at an emotional level You need a mate that can understand your tenderness. You match up you your own sign and the other eleven as follows. CANCER & ARIES: This is not a very good combination for you. The Ram's lack of tact and their hot temper is just too devastating for your sensitive and insecure nature. CANCER & TAURUS : The Bull is one of your best partners. You are both homebodies who appreciate good food, good quality and thrift. You can keep each other quite happy. Truly an enduring relationship. CANCER & GEMINI : The Twins play too many mind games for your soft and innocent approach to life. Gemini's flirtatious free-spirited nature is just too hurtful for you to have to deal with. CANCER & CANCER: Together you are far too negative for this union to work. Emotional problems will exist throughout the entire relationship. Neither one of you has the ability to see the positive side to the relationship. CANCER & LEO : The Lion needs to be the center of attention, therefore you will often feel quite neglected in this relationship. You have a tendency to nag and that will drive a Leo mate on to greener pastures. CANCER & VIRGO: This partnership lacks excitement, to say the least, however that doesn't usually matter to either you or your mate. Security and the home are much more important to both you and the practical Virgoan. CANCER & LIBRA: Your mood swings are far too upsetting for the Scales. Libra Needs harmony and a variety of entertainment which really isn't your style or your intent. You create melodrama at an emotional level and would prefer to stay at home where it's safe and secure. CANCER & SCORPIO: You are both too possessive that can and usually does lead to problems at some time. As long as you deal with these issues promptly you can have a happy, satisfying and loving union. CANCER & SAGITTARIUS: The Archer is too worldly for you. You don't like to take risks and Sagittarians thrive on chance. This is not your best bet for a lasting union but it is one that often attracts you. CANCER & CAPRICORN: Polar opposites, Usually there is a lot of chemistry, but the Goat does not usually have the time to show you enough affection. If you can put up with their workaholic ways you can rest assured that you will be well-taken care of financially. CANCER & AQUARIUS: You are far too sensitive for the Water-bearers aloofness. Aquarians cannot tolerate your need to cling to them. CANCER & PISCES : You and the Fish are probably the two most sensitive signs of the zodiac. Although you can comprehend one another you can also play emotional games and hurt each other. This connection can work if you communicate openly and honestly. LEO July 23-August 22 Leo in Love: When looking for a prospective mate you will interact diversely with all the other constellations including your own. LEO & ARIES: This is a capricious match. Your common interests and lusty passionate nature bring about outrageous social and sexual encounters. LEO & TAURUS: This is an ill-fated connection, your extravagance and desire to party are antagonizing to the prudent Bull. This relationship is not likely to start up in the first place, and not likely to last if you do make it to first base. LEO & GEMINI: You are enticed by the clever Twins, nevertheless the Twins' fickleness enrages you. Intriguing while this connection lasts, however it's usually short lived. LEO & CANCER : You're powerful desire to be the center of attention along with your vanity is pernicious for the shy, sensitive Crab. Not a choice alliance. LEO & LEO: This is a dramatic combination, providing both desist from dominating one another. This is truly a royal match and believe it or not, it often works. LEO & VIRGO: Virgo's desire to be in command and methodical nature collides with your carefree, spontaneous temperament. This combo takes a lot of compromise on the part of the Virgoan. LEO & LIBRA: Libra's sophistication and your flair constitute an entertaining coalition, unless a financial deficit prevails. You can both be quite extravagant and wasteful. LEO & SCORPIO: You can dance rather well in a horizontal position, the end result can be crimes of passion, due to jealousy. This union is usually hot, heavy and short lived. LEO & SAGITTARIUS: This is probably your foremost partner physically and mentally. This union will revel in spending, travel and adventure. Quite an exciting connection. LEO & CAPRICORN: You'll get bored with the Goat's careful and enterprising ways, which is too bad because the Goat is the one sign that can usually afford to spoil you monetarily. LEO & AQUARIUS : The polarities usually attract passionately, nevertheless the Water-bearer's expansive interests and higher mind leave you feeling somewhat neglected and unimportant. LEO & PISCES: This is a detrimental relationship for the shy Pisces and a most unlikely attraction for you. Not compatible and very hurtful for the Fish that is attracted to you. VIRGO August 23-September 22 Virgo in Love: Zodiacal match-ups for you are not the easiest due to your critical analytical nature. VIRGO & ARIES: The volatile Aries will upset your nervous nature, the conclusion being ill-fated and certainly not lasting. The Ram just won't put up with your put-downs. VIRGO & TAURUS: You both share the same high standards and, needless to say, are not the most exciting couple on earth. This is a much better connection during the last half of life. VIRGO & GEMINI: Not a chance. The risky, carefree fickle Gemini sees you as a drag. Truly a miracle if the two of you do interact for any length of time. This union is best left alone unless other factors prevail in both charts. VIRGO & CANCER : Somewhat dull. You both tend to avoid getting involved in activities outside your own environment. Neither of you bother to end the relationship even if it isn't working. This union is a critical and nagging match that results in lowered self-esteem for both of you. VIRGO & LEO: You will have continuous arguments concerning finances and sex. Your critical tongue will make the Lion wander, seeking the ego-boosting that is necessary for the proud Leo's existence. VIRGO & VIRGO: You are quite likely to agree on most subjects. Virgo's are work, security and cleanliness oriented. When two of you get together in this capacity, unusual sexual pleasures can unfold. VIRGO & LIBRA: Libra's extravagant, indecisive nature bothers you, however Libra's charm can normally melt your critical tongue. Beware not to run Libra off by being too critical. This could be a very passionate relationship, if it lasts. VIRGO & SCORPIO : This is an interesting match. If the scorpion can tempt you into sexual encounters that are exotic, the end result will end in fireworks. VIRGO & SAGITTARIUS: This is sexually not bad. The Archer's non-committal approach to life however, drives you up a wall. This combo works better as a passing affair. VIRGO & CAPRICORN: This is an excellent union. Practicality and neatness go hand in hand for the Goat as well as for you. Fear of material loss locks you in tight for a long term union. VIRGO & AQUARIUS: This is a far more mental then physical connection. You rule the lower mind and the Water-bearer the higher mind. This is an intellectual union that is likely to be lasting. VIRGO & PISCES: This is a polarity attraction. You are enamored by the Pisces empathetic ways and in turn the Fish needs your practical direction. Pisces' sexuality can bring out the erotic side in you. LIBRA September 23-October 22 Libra in Love: When it comes to compatible signs for you harmony is the most important factor to keep in mind. Without harmony you can't possibly survive. LIBRA & ARIES: Polarity attraction. Shooting stars in the bedroom. Tension, however, at a mental level. It can work if you are both willing to compromise. LIBRA & TAURUS: Not too bad as you both value the finer things in life. The Bull's possessiveness can bring about some problems for you however if the price is right you'll put up with a little control. LIBRA & GEMINI: Intellectual connection. This relationship is much better left as a friendship. You both need a great deal of freedom to experience other people. If you both agree on ground rules right from day one it can last. LIBRA & CANCER: This is not the best match. The moody Crab is just too difficult for you to handle. You need to surround yourself with positive individuals who will create a harmonious environment. LIBRA & LEO: This is a good union, similar lifestyles, both hooked on sex. The Lion's dazzle, and your refined nature balances out quite nicely. Together you make an extremely nice looking couple. LIBRA & VIRGO: This is an interesting combination, and could have a surprising turn out. In most cases the practical Virgo might find your passionate nature a bit hard to grasp, and you might not grasp the less than passionate ways of the Virgo. But, then again you both could prove that opposites attract, and end of finding each other IRRESISTABLE. This, of course, is rare. LIBRA & LIBRA: This is not a bad connection, but boredom can be a definite risk as you will both expect to be entertained. Your lazy nature when it comes to domestic chores will also be a problem if you can't afford to hire help. LIBRA & SCORPIO: The Scorpions' jealousy vexes the casual, harmonious nature that you possess. This is certainly not an alliance made in heaven and usually quite difficult for you to balance. LIBRA & SAGITTARIUS: This is an auspicious relationship. The Archer's charisma and thirst for adventure will hold your interest. Your good looks and cultural knowledge will entice the Archer. LIBRA & CAPRICORN: It's difficult for the Goat to accept your inactivity. Physically there is a powerful attraction between you, unfortunately it is seldom lasting. LIBRA & AQUARIUS: This is a compatible coalition, you are capable of making love in the highest form. Your two of a kind, neither of you care about detail nor domestics. LIBRA & PISCES: This is not usually lasting. The Fish is too confused and sensitive in nature that makes this connection a highly complicated combination. The end result can be devastating if you aren't careful. SCORPIO October 23-November 21 Scorpio in Love: You have an all-or-nothing approach to relationships, therefore you do not match up to all the signs. Here's a look at how you do interact with others. SCORPIO & ARIES: You make a hot combination in bed. Highly aggressive sex that could be described as implied violence. Lustful but not lasting due to your jealous nature. SCORPIO & TAURUS: Polar opposites that actually do quite well together. The Bull is stable and loyal enough to satisfy your intense nature. You both value long-term unions and are willing to work at them together. SCORPIO & GEMINI: This is not a likely match, the Illusive, fickle Gemini will drive you to distraction, which in turn could bring out your vengeful side. SCORPIO & CANCER : This is one of your best connections. The Crab is a loyal mate who is usually willing to stand behind you. Cancers are attracted to your strong, demanding ways. SCORPIO & LEO: This connection can lead to crimes of passion. Although you are strongly attracted to the Lion, Leo's flamboyant, flirtatious nature will cause anger that could erupt into murder-suicide. SCORPIO & VIRGO : The Virgoan has difficulties with your sexual leanings. You will bore easily and move on to more passionate partners. SCORPIO & LIBRA : This is not the best match. Libra is far too good looking and easy going for your jealous nature. You would likely end up spying on this social butterfly. SCORPIO & SCORPIO: Sexually you are truly compatible, however out of the bedroom you are far too much alike -- creating problems and mind games. You will always think that the other is having an affair. SCORPIO & SAGITTARIUS: This alliance is a waste of time for both parties. You are a homebody and the Archer is a travel nut. This is not a likely attraction. SCORPIO & CAPRICORN: This is a wonderful partnership. You both have the same values and cherish your home environment. Mentally and physically you match up well, easily satisfying one anothers needs. SCORPIO & AQUARIUS: Why bother. This will never work due to the Aquarian's need for freedom and your need to possess. Your values, ethics and approach to life are just too different. SCORPIO & PISCES: This is not bad. Probably the most erotic sexual combination. The Fish is willing to be a part of your whims and desires, and that makes for a lasting union. SAGITTARIUS November 22-December 21 Sagittarius in Love: You do much better when it comes to friendships then you do in love relationships. Here's a look at how you do match up to other signs. SAGITTARIUS & ARIES: This is not a bad match while it lasts. Fun-loving, adventuresome, certainly compatible. Both you and the Ram like to do your own thing, therefore you often part on friendly terms as you go off in your own directions. SAGITTARIUS & TAURUS : The Bull leads too structured a life for you to conform to. This is not a likely match. Taureans see you as a wanderer with no apparent direction. SAGITTARIUS & GEMINI: You are polar opposites giving this connection plenty of chemistry, however outside activities tend to take you both in different directions. You both like to take chances and depend too much on luck. SAGITTARIUS & CANCER: You are a traveler and the Crab is a homebody that automatically puts you on a different wave length. This combination makes a much better friendship. You could never live within the other's life-style and remain happy. SAGITTARIUS & LEO: This is probably one of your best match ups. You bring out the best in one another. You both have a very carefree approach to life and love. SAGITTARIUS & VIRGO: Virgo's do not handle your lifestyle well. You can not put up with the Virgoan's meticulous, detailed way of doing everything. SAGITTARIUS & LIBRA: This is probably one of your best connections. You get the freedom you desire and both of you absolutely hate confrontation, therefore problems are just put on the shelf. SAGITTARIUS & SCORPIO: The Scorpion cannot live with your freedom loving wandering spirit. When the jealousy sets in you'll be off to greener pastures. SAGITTARIUS & SAGITTARIUS: You will shake well with one another. This combination is somewhat unpredictable. It's not always a lasting union due to a lack of being in the same place at the same time, but truly a hot affair. SAGITTARIUS & CAPRICORN: You are impulsive, risk-taking and always looking for adventure that frightens the cautious Goat. This is really not a suitable union, You are far too different to ever exist together. SAGITTARIUS & AQUARIUS : You both love adventure, travel and the great outdoors. You can have a lasting relationship, especially if it is a long distance romance. SAGITTARIUS & PISCES: This is a passionate attraction, but unfortunately neither one of you can supply the other with the emotional factor required to make this coalition work. CAPRICORN December 22-January 19 Capricorn in Love: When it comes to compatible mates, You can compliment a number of different signs. CAPRICORN & ARIES: You are both far too independent to get along for any length of time. Although there is an attraction and mutual respect, arguments will make this union impossible. CAPRICORN & TAURUS: You both have the same regard for quality and money. This is almost a match made in heaven. Sexually adequate and certainly a long lasting alliance. CAPRICORN & GEMINI: Forget it -- the flirtatious, fun-loving Twin will not impress you. To you, Gemini's are irresponsible and unworthy of your dedication. CAPRICORN & CANCER: You are polar opposites that do quite well together. You feed each other exactly what's needed. Security from you and loyalty and trust from the Crab. CAPRICORN & LEO: The extravagant Lion will disgust you. You hate wasteful, flamboyant individuals. Although sexually you are compatible this combination is best as a one night stand. CAPRICORN & VIRGO: This is a very good mental connection, nevertheless not the most sexually oriented combination. CAPRICORN & LIBRA : You will be mesmerized by the sophisticated Libran, but that is about as far as this amalgamation will go. You will also tire of the lazy Libran's ways. CAPRICORN & SCORPIO: Not bad at all. You both understand one another perfectly and can appreciate the same values and directions. Sexually you can dance superbly together. CAPRICORN & SAGITTARIUS: You are far too different in your likes and dislikes. The adventurous risk-taking Archer finds you boring due to your cautious, routine nature. CAPRICORN & CAPRICORN: This relationship lacks stimulation. You are both far too cautious, frugal and self-righteous to last. This is a dead end in the bedroom. CAPRICORN & AQUARIUS: Although you can appreciate the Water-bearer's mind and originality, the Aquarian's lack of direction and carefree nature will cause you to shy away. CAPRICORN & PISCES: This is not a bad match. The Pisces' eagerness to please will attract and hold you. This union will only encounter problems if you neglect the Fish's need for attention. AQUARIUS January 20-Feburary 18 Aquarius in Love: You tend to match up to most signs in a friendly manner, but when it comes to love some signs are better than others. AQUARIUS & ARIES : This is an excellent match. You both enjoy a large variety of entertainment. A truly adventuresome union as long as neither one of you tries to dominate or regulate activities. AQUARIUS & TAURUS : The stubborn Bull will have difficulties understanding the unpredictable side of you. Concessions will be necessary on the part of both of you if success is to follow. AQUARIUS & GEMINI: This is a delightful, intellectually stimulating relationship. Not always smooth but certainly an exciting and entertaining connection. AQUARIUS & CANCER: You are far too aloof for the insecure Crab. Not a likely encounter, highly dangerous for Cancer and somewhat binding for you. AQUARIUS & LEO: You are polar opposites. The is plenty of chemistry, however the Lion is more physical in nature then you are. You on the other hand are concerned with the intellectual aspect of the relationship that is often lacking. AQUARIUS & VIRGO: You are both into the intellect, however you might be a little bit too progressive for the practical Virgoan. Virgo's are just not social enough to hang on to you or hold your interest. AQUARIUS & LIBRA: Very well-suited couple both mentally and physically. Exciting, fun loving and carefree connection. Your spending habits are the only foreseeable dilemma. AQUARIUS & SCORPIO: This is not the best coalition. You are both fixed in your beliefs and your free-spirited nature arouses suspicious side of the Scorpion. AQUARIUS & SAGITTARIUS: This is a wonderful affair, two ships that pass in the night. You are an active and outgoing couple, however seldom lasting because eventually you will both go in your own direction. AQUARIUS & CAPRICORN: This is not good. You both have totally different goals in life. You are far too humanitarian to live with the Goat's manipulative, ambitious ways. AQUARIUS & AQUARIUS: Although this is probably the most inventive coalition, it is lacking in the sexual arena. Not a lasting relationship but it can be fun for the moment. AQUARIUS & PISCES: This is a pretty dicey combination. The Fish's emotional blackmail only drives you further away. This Pisces is likely to end up hurt and confused. PISCES Feburary 19-March 20 Pisces in Love: When you get involved with the other eleven signs or another Fish different reactions occur. PISCES & ARIES: You are far too sensitive for the aggressive Ram. You will be left behind to drown in your sorrows. An unfortunate match. PISCES & TAURUS : This is not a bad connection, however the Bull can get upset with your impractical nature. You, on the other hand, may find that the Bull is too stubborn. PISCES & GEMINI : Your emotional blackmail will usually hold a Gemini, however sorrow almost always prevails. A very destructive union for both parties involved. PISCES & CANCER: You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody. PISCES & LEO: You are doomed in this alliance. The Lion is too outgoing and you are far too sensitive. A hurtful relationship with little substance. PISCES & VIRGO: This is your polar attraction. It can be extremely perverse in the bedroom, but difficult at a mental level. You are impractical and this will really try the Virgoans patience. PISCES & LIBRA: You are both creatively inclined, however you are just not sophisticated enough for the Scales. Librans also have trouble putting up with your emotional whims. PISCES & SCORPIO: This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven. PISCES & SAGITTARIUS : This is not your best alliance as the Archer's non-committal nature will hurt your tender heart. Your daily melodramas will drive the Sagittarius away. PISCES & CAPRICORN: This is not a bad combo in general however, you will probably run around on the Goat due to loneliness. You are also too wasteful for the Capricorn to deal with. PISCES & AQUARIUS: This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius. PISCES & PISCES: This is an emotional connection. Extremely good in the bedroom, but difficult out of the bedroom. You both crave attention and affection yet you want to do your own thing. Exhausting but exciting.

a good star map/chart? i want to find a good star map/chart online to print out because i am interested in astronomy, it needs to be a good one too, with more than just the 12 constellations. where could i find this?

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want. rach2305: i just c + v from another website :) oops i mean copy + paste

What's your zodiac sign? (Is this true about you)? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.

What is your zodiac sign? Does any of this describe you? Aries Aries have ramlike eyebrows and smug expressions. They should not be quite so smug because they are constantly clunking themselves in the skull. Cat Stevens' "Hard Headed Woman" was probably an Aries. Aries rarely say one thing and do another. They usually do the wrong thing and don't discuss it. Never point this out to an Aries unless you want your kidneys pulled out through your sinuses. Aries folks love Pisceans because Pisces people make them feel well-grounded. Aries love to laugh at the funny moon-people who suck their thumbs at age 35. Aries use guns to describe philosophical concepts. Whether you live in a palatial estate or a cardboard tepee, you will insist until death that it is exactly what you always wanted. Most Aries were concrete parking bumpers in at least two of their past lives. Aries are never born. They skip gaily from their mothers' wombs. This may even involve rollerblades. The Aries makes life decisions as a toddler. Aries marry several times for funnies but never divorce. Their spouses have many freak accidents resulting in death or crippling injury. Being infallible, God is probably an Aries. This would make Satan an Aquarius. Aries always hold management positions. If one is assigned to clean toilets, he will form a one-man union. Then he will go and picket in the parking lot. All of you think you're Lech Walesa. People run away when an Aries comes around. They know that if they do not, the Aries will set them on fire. Aries hate listening to Scorpios talk because they take pride in being even more self-centered. In fact, much to the Scorpios' dismay, you are the biggest pricks in the zodiac. Your rams' horns are in everyone else's asses. Taurus You are brooding emotion incarnate. One minute you're up, the next you're down, the next you've shot your favorite newscaster in the kneecaps, "just 'cuz.". You're very earthy, which may mean that you don't shower as often as most people. Or it may just mean that you like to roll around with your nose in clover and sigh. Taureans love happy movies where everyone is jolly and having fun, but they fight with waiters and get upset with billboards. They like to psychoanalyze their friends but have no real experience with life in general. Taureans mumble while describing philosophical concepts. The Taurus is a strange bird because he or she holds grudges about things that never actually happened. This may stem from the feelings of inadequacy resulting from being beaten out for first in line in the zodiac by Aries. That is the Taurean self-image, always second best. However, they are undoubtedly the best at feeling like second best. All Taureans want to be God. Unfortunately, God is an Aries. You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Also, you won't come out from under the bed. Most Taureans love conflict. If nothing is wrong, then that in itself is something wrong. Some especially like bar fights. If they can't get into an actual bar fight, they will make up interesting stories about them which they can tell their friends right before they psychoanalyze them. If it weren't for Bazooka Joe and The Family Circus, Taureans wouldn't know what to do. You feel that you are going nowhere in life. You are probably right. Milwaukee is full of Taureans. Taureans are impatient and pushy. They are in a tremendous hurry to get to the nowhere that they intend to go to. They make little dioramas of their homes, complete with tiny effigies of the people they know, and act out scenarios of the way things would be if they were God. Gemini Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it's more like Prince and Bea Arthur. You are progressive, outgoing, and one of the most popular rides at Cedar Point. However, you can and will negate all of this by the time you're finished reading this sentence. Geminis drive funny cars. They often drive them into trees or buildings. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. They like to use Libras as punching bags. A bisexual Gemini is a walking double date. The rest are hermaphrodites. Geminis vandalize their own houses. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis rarely compete in the Olympics. When they do, it is usually pool or air hockey. Frogger turns up as well. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Gemini is Latin for "I'm okay, I'm okay." Geminis speak very loudly in order to be heard. This is unfortunate as they are nearly always talking to themselves. In fact, they often pick animated arguments with themselves in the bathtub. The most famous Gemini in history is Orville and Wilbur Wright. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius. Cancer You like to know what's going on in the lives of everyone in the galaxy. However, you tend not know know what's going on in your own. If you are lucky, your friends will tell you. Cancerians only get dressed because they have to, and their fashion sense can only be described as "erratic." You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac (except Pisces, who does not iron) to iron your clothes by sleeping with them sandwiched between the mattress and box-spring. Likewise, you can stretch one pair of underwear out for almost a month. Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. Despite your need to be everyone's savior, you need no social interaction. SWAT teams often show up, mistakenly thinking there's a hostage situation. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies' Home Journal, quick on the draw with shortcake recipes and helpful hints on how to talk to your teen. Whether they know it or not, they are all born with an exceptional talent for cross-stitch. So much for buying the world a Coke - they would breast-feed the world if they could. This trait is not gender-specific. You will never excel in sports because you have to rest for fifteen minutes every time you breathe. You do not mind, since you plan to conduct your career from the comfort of your own bed. You maintain your questionable health through a steady diet of Ho-Ho's and beer. You also imbibe a great deal of Pepto-Bismol in order to confuse your numerous ulcers. People walk on you often. Actually, not often - all the time. If you think someone is screwing you, you're probably right. The most entertaining thing about this is that you like it. You strive to be a doormat. Cancerians coin their own words to describe philosophical concepts. This is why it is no surprise that George W. Bush is a Cancer. Cancerians have minimal influence over their friends, even though they show up with homemade soup to remedy every minor or major tragedy. However, they wield their power through the fact that they know what everyone is thinking at any given time. This is why they are never invited to parties. Cancerians claim to be "tactful". The word for this is actually "shiftless". Cancerians are always appointed to take their drunken, drooling friends home. These friends are usually Pisceans Leo You will grab attention in any way you possibly can. Self-immolation is not out of the question. You like to kiss mirrors a lot. Genghis Khan was a Leo, and so is Barney the Dinosaur. People still love Lucy, but less because she was a Leo. Leos will interrupt conversation to talk, and they will place themselves bodily in the way of someone who is trying to leave before the Leo is finished saying what he or she needs to say. All Leos want parades on their birthdays. Leos never marry because no one is good enough for them. If they do marry, they keep their spouses locked under the bathroom sink. They need physical affection at all times; unfortunately, they can't find any because everyone thinks they are irritating punks. This is why so many of the people arrested for necrophilia are Leos. A Leo uses himself as an example of the Overman in order to describe philosophical concepts. Some Leos decide to be homosexual even if they aren't, because they think this gives them shock value. It actually means that neither gender will want to hook up with them. In actuality, anything besides a romantic evening with themselves is considered a step down for the Leo. Leos open doors by screaming at them. They expect their Clappers to applaud when they enter a room. Leos are said to resemble lions. This means that they are loud, have cleft upper lips and slimy noses, and s**t under trees as they walk. They snack on monkeys while watching "Entertainment Tonight". Humility frightens Leos. That is why Jesus was a Capricorn, Buddha was an Aries, and so forth. However, "radical cult leader" is not out of the question. Leos like to start fights with Aries. They will stomp and bloody each other regardless of whether or not they are in public. In fact, the Leos usually prefer it. You will see these fights taking place at bars, sporting events, fashion shows, or Taco Bell. If you are a clever Capricorn, you will sell tickets. Don't worry about hanging posters--Leo will take care of that in advance. Aquarians hang posters of rock stars on their walls. Scorpios hang posters of famous disasters on their walls. Capricorns hang posters of great mathematicians on their walls. Pisceans hang posters of unicorns on their walls. Leos hang posters of themselves on their walls. Virgo You are a pain in the ***. You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet. No Virgo in history has ever belched. Virgos clean every square inch of everything they own twice daily with a toothbrush. Everything has its place, and yours is on the floor scrubbing with a magnifying glass, checking for germs. Obsessive-compulsive disorder? A nice euphemism for the word "Virgo". Virgos use pointers and elaborate charts to describe philosophical concepts. You commit a lot of drive-by shootings. When you are questioned, you tell the police that it was because "the bastard had a filthy car". The police usually let you go because they are Virgos too. It is easy to freak out a Virgo. Tell them they have something between their teeth. Then watch them scrub frantically at the imaginary thing. Virgos are a hell of a lot of fun for assholes like us. Hell for a Virgo is being locked up in an elevator for eternity with a naked Aquarius. That is because in hell, Aquarians are allowed to bring beer, which they leave all over the floor. Virgos, however, have to surrender their brooms and squeegees to God. Virgos also have a hard time coping when they find out there's something under the fridge. But it's usually just a depressed Taurus. Virgos have read enough Hints from Heloise to know that the depressed Taurus can be coaxed out from under the fridge with a banana wine cooler. Virgos don't see the world in shades of black and white. They see it in shades of clean and dirty. Cat hair makes Virgos foam at the mouth. Virgos are cool because they will do your laundry for you. They'll separate everything by color and fabric until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. Then they will put them in the washer in alphabetical order by name of manufacturer. Virgos are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside. Don't put cheese where it doesn't belong in a Virgo's refrigerator. He or she will go Jack Torrence on your ***. You will be stabbed with a cuticle pusher. Jack Torrence was probably a Virgo in the first half of "The Shining". After that, he went all Leo. Libra You are oh-so-elegant and tasteful to the point of incurring nausea from loved ones. You are also bipolar as hell and can't make a decision on your own. You usually consult your therapist or TV Guide. Libras are trendy and malleable folks. They are funny because they will glom onto something they hated before if it suddenly becomes fashionable. Velour is not entirely lost upon these people. Libras eat a lot of ethnic food from cultures they don't understand. They single-handedly started the cappucino movement. Ask them why, and they will claim something unintelligible about solidarity. You constantly worry about what other people think. If you really paid any attention, maybe people would like you more. Libras use quotes from David Mamet plays to describe philosophical concepts. Then they have those concepts engraved upon nice little wallet cards. The Libran interest in current events ends with the J. Crew catalog. They don't eat fast food or have any clue where their trash goes. They have other people tie their expensive shoes. Only two Libras have ever been found in thrift stores. All of their bell-bottoms were color-coordinated to match their lamé turtlenecks. Libras are always on the cutting edge of what the rest of us think is absolute pretentious bulls**t. They have huge collections of CDs they've never even listened to. Libras give to designer charities. Hollywood is full of Libras. You are the reason butterfly hairpins and parachute pants have made a comeback. Next on the list is those big jam shorts. You probably never threw out your old pair. Hang on to your Winger t-shirt too. Get a Libra as drunk as possible and he or she will still be able to explain the difference between café latté and café au lait. This is peculiar as the rest of us know that there is no difference at all. Scorpio You got into computers early so you could use made-up, bulls**t terminology and get away with it. Most hackers are Scorpios, as are most people who think they're going to find fame on a chat board. You embarrass Libras because you like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You may have actually snorted Chock Full o' Nuts at one time in your life. You take your paranoid beatnik approach to life very seriously. Many Scorpios have found ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your number-one grudge is about never having been abducted by aliens, or being the victim of a government conspiracy. Most of those fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempt to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a Scorpio. The fully-automated barracks he lives in should clear up any doubt. Your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm. It is hard for you to accept that Star Trek is fiction, and you are not a Borg leader. Scorpios use expletives to describe philosophical concepts. It's no wonder that Halloween falls smack in the middle of the Scorpio range. This is the only time of year when fake hauntings, sugar-induced hysteria, and impersonating Dr. Who won't get you arrested. Scorpios have strong sex drives, because it gives them yet another opportunity to smoke. Scorpios have much advice to give on matters that are of no concern to them. If you want to find out if someone is a Scorpio, ask them a pertinent question. Five minutes of silence later, the answer will be "I'm sorry, what?" Scorpios are often hairy and feel that this makes them more virile. This is especially true of Scorpio women. Scorpios cheat at the lottery. If it's automated, they can hack it. Sagittarius Sagittarians are born adventurers. They like smashing spiders with their bare hands and trying to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night with the lights out. They would sooner sustain crippling injury than do anything the easy way. Sagittarians love to entertain their friends, family, and total strangers. This often includes transvesticism. Nearly every Sagittarian was born into the wrong gender. Sagittarians are loud and have no social graces. They seek to offend. Sagittarians usually have nicknames like Thunderpooper or Vomitus Maximus. Animals and small children love Sagittarians. This is unfortunate since adults usually hate them. However, Sagittarians make excellent circus freaks and vagrants. Sagittarians use interpretive dance to describe philosophical concepts. Buttons and bumper stickers with rude sayings on them are a trademark of the Sagittarian. They throw food at expensive restaurants and ask lots of questions in the middle of church. Don't ever bring a Sagittarius home to meet your parents. He or she will tie up your mother and pants your dad. Famous Sagittarians include the Geo Metro. The holiday during which the sun is in Sagittarius is Thanksgiving. This is highly appropriate since everyone eats until they're sick and passes out while a bunch of cross-dressers and huge inflatable things wander through the streets of New York, the most Sagittarian town in the universe. The Shriners driving around in the tiny little cars are a very Sagittarian image. Even more so if there's a ridiculously busty woman stuffed into the car as well. A Sagittarius is always a better Madonna than Madonna. Men can pull off sequins, and women can pull off construction helmets. The Sagittarius is incapable of being unhip. Capricorn Capricorns are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. They are always on the move, headed to their next delusion of grandeur. They are often good at math which explains why they are such pains in the ***. René Descartes was a great mathematician and a crappy philosopher, so he must have been a Capricorn. Stephen Hawking is even more Capricorn because he's all of the above and a pompous S.O.B. to boot. Sure, he's overcome a lot of obstacles etc. etc., but even in perfect health you can't overcome being a Capricorn. Most politicians are Capricorns, which is why our country is always in the hole. It is not surprising that politicians need so much security around them all the time. Capricorns are like a strange cross between a Leo and a Virgo. They think that this makes them both charismatic and logical. In reality, it means that they are tight-assed and nitpicky, and have to keep their egos in the backyard. In the event of nuclear war, only cockroaches and Capricorns would find a way to survive. The rest of us just don't want to live in a world like that. The nation's cockeyed system of toll roads was probably designed by a freakin' Capricorn. They learn how to screw the public over at an early age. Their parents buy them books of law for Christmas so they can underline the loopholes. Capricorns cannot even fathom, much less describe, philosophical concepts because they don't involve equations. (See comments about Descartes and Hawking above) Capricorns own lots of Filofaxes and other tools to organize the lives they do not have. They love to be seen talking on their cell phones. These phones are not actually turned on because Capricorns don't have any friends to call. Capricorns went out of style in 1989. They still believe that Trump was a visionary. Most of the people arrested for counterfeiting are Capricorns Aquarius The Aquarius loves a party. Anytime, anywhere is their motto. It is not unlikely that an Aquarius will consider a wake a good place to meet chicks. Aquarians tend to be nostalgic about the 1960s because that was the last time they could be naked in public and get away with it. Aquarians love to be naked. It is even better if they are naked and crocked. 97.4% of the Night Train consumed in the past thirty years has been consumed by Aquarians. Almost every Aquarian will claim to have seen Jerry Garcia's image in their Froot Loops at least once. Froot Loops is a very Aquarian cereal. So is Rice Krispies, since it will engage in a friendly chat with the Aquarian as he or she is eating breakfast. Count Chocula is off-limits, however. It belongs to the Scorpios. Aquarians are the only people in the zodiac who can play volleyball with themselves. And they frequently do. Aquarians use the phrase "Dude, man..." frequently when describing philosophical concepts. Aquarians have out-of-body experiences on a daily basis. If you are talking to an Aquarian and he or she zones out, consider the conversation hopeless. He or she is talking to the guy three feet away from you. Aquarians are fun because they channel people. Plus, if you tell them to, they will run around naked. Aquarians like astronomy because they've been to all those places. If you want to know what the food is like on Saturn, ask an Aquarius. They can also walk on water if they try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub. Aquarians can allow themselves every possible vice on the planet, and don't think twice about it. That is why they piss everyone else off. They are cosmically entitled to do this. Most rock stars are Aquarians. Pisces Everywhere you go, laughter and comedy ensue. This would be great if you were trying to be funny. You are deeply confused by the idea of sex. As far as you are concerned, if it didn't happen in "The Velveteen Rabbit", it doesn't exist. Piscean women wear long floaty dresses and enormous amounts of unusual silver jewelry. On hikes. Pisceans claim to love the stars, but the only constellation they can find is the Big Dipper. If they cannot find it, they cry. You remember what you were wearing on March 3rd, 1981 but forget your own address. You have no sense of direction. The people you find going in reverse at 70 m.p.h. on the expressway are usually Pisceans. Pisceans are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck. That is, of course, unless they live with a Cancer. Pisceans are so zoned and perpetually endangered that they can bring out the maternal instincts of a Leo. Don't be fooled, however; many Pisceans can surprise you by kicking your *** and the asses of your four imaginary friends. While Leos tend to achieve the most fame in the field of entertainment, Pisceans strive to achieve historical greatness by sheer fluke. They are proud to tell you that Michelangelo, Galileo, George Washington, and Albert Einstein, none of whom had an agent, were all Pisceans. What they won't tell you is that so is Ted Kennedy. Pisceans claim to want "honest criticism" of their work. Then they commit hara-kiri on the floor when you say you don't like it. Never try to use logic with a Pisces; he or she is living about three feet off of the natural ground or in Narnia. Their tools of debate are non-sequiturs, quotes from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and, of course, crying. It wouldn't matter what linguistic devices Pisceans use to describe philosophical concepts because they aren't positive they know what they're talking about anyway. You cry over dead animals in the road but feel no remorse about mowing down humans you don't like. Cancerians say one thing and do another. Scorpios say one thing and do it just for spite. Pisceans say far too much and do whatever the hell they want.